Fear

I am inspired to write about fear after reading Glennon Doyle Melton's, "Carry On Warrior. Thoughts on Life Unarmed".  By the way, I loved her words, her stories, and her.  She is authentic and "brutiful" (she says life is brutal and beautiful, therefore...).  A friend just told me she also loved Melton's book and she currently can't stop reading books by Brene Brown.  Brene Brown!  I loved her TED talk on "Vulnerability".  I am definitely reading her books!

Oh!  I just found one of her books, "The gifts of imperfection : let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are".  Totally reading THAT one.

So, regarding fear, I first thought about my children.  I have been reading "Homeschooling Education Magazine" lately; and, many of their contributors write about trusting in your children and letting them take the lead for their education.  I know in my heart that this is what I want to do; but, we are not quite there yet.  We get closer every day, though.  Really. (Fear!)

One recent article described offering children the opportunity to not only have EXPERIENCES (field trips, nature walks, etc.); but, to also give them freedom to experience ADVENTURES (letting them go on their own and see what amazing things can happen).  I already believed this; but, I am grateful to see it in writing.  Looking back, I can see some moments I have "let go". 

When my kids were learning to walk, they wanted to climb our stairs (of course).  So, I let them (I was right there with them, helping them; but, I got farther and farther away until I knew they could do it alone).  Ironically, learning how to go up was easier for them than learning how to go down.

After the stairs came the playground.  They both wanted to climb the tricky rope ladder at an early age, so I let them.  I was right there if they needed me; but, they did a pretty darn good job on their own!

I have taught my children to cross the street properly (even the alley behind our house is treated as a street, of course!).  So, I feel confident that they will look and listen in both directions (or all 4) before they cross any street.  Therefore, when my oldest was 5, (after having walked him both ways a few times for his half-hour piano lesson), I let him go by himself (It's just about a block away).  I also let my boys walk together to a friend's house nearby, crossing two streets and just beyond my view (eek!).

I also trust my oldest son on his own at the library.  But, the library has a rule that you have to be 8 to be on your own (he has been on his own frequently since he was 5).  There was one unfortunate time (recently!) that for some reason (even though he could see our car out the window) he thought we had left him at the library (I had, in fact, taken his brother and cousins to the movie section).  So, he was crying and the library lady glared at me.  After that, I FOUND OUT about the 8 year old "on your own" age requirement by way of signs posted in the library.  Ugh.

Looking forward, I need to make a conscious effort with my boys.  I want to continue to connect with them and truly trust them.  I picture a fishing line and reel; but, I don't know if that is quite the right analogy.  I often let them go and "reel them in" if necessary.  We have a "rule" (I don't really like that word) that you have freedom until you break the rules (be respectful and don't harm anyone or anything).  But, then there are the times that they "swim away" (I let go) and then they "swim back" (phew).

I do these things because I KNOW they are going to be OK.  God tells me.  Sometimes not in words.  But, sometimes I REALLY DO hear a voice that I don't expect.  He lets me know everything is going to be OK.  I would never intentionally put my kids in danger.  I KNOW when I should avoid certain situations.  God tells me.  He is also with my kids.  They know it, too.  In fact, I still remember one time when I got up at night to use the bathroom; and, when I returned, my sleepy youngest son said, "I wasn't scared, mommy.  God stayed with me."

Then, I started thinking about myself.  I have often taken on challenges and conquered my fears.

For example, in high school I suffered from low self-esteem.  It did not help when I was called upon to read aloud in Honors English.  I often STOPPED BREATHING as I read (I do not know why but, fear struck hearing just my voice in the super-quiet classroom) and then, I began HYPERVENTILATING before I finished the selection (which made my whole body shake and made my voice come out even quieter and probably a bit squeaky).  That was EMBARRASSING.  I had to take speech class, too.  I had to do better.  I was not great at it; but, I was always complemented on my speeches (by the people who sat in front and could actually hear me). 

So, in college, I took two more speech classes.  Then, at my first "real job", I was asked by our manager to do the employee orientation and Radisson guest service training.  I did it.  Many times.  And, I loved it so much I decided that was what I wanted to do, that was what I liked most about my job.  So, I met a guy who was Vice President of Lettuce Entertain You (a successful restaurant group based in Chicago).  He was staying at the hotel and a good friend of mine was working for him.  He gave me his card.  So, when I wanted to move back to Chicago (because I was not "feeling it" in Champaign, IL), I called that guy (oh, the fear!) and asked if he had a training manager job for me.

I quit my job and moved to Chicago with just an interview scheduled for the next day (fear!).  I went to the interview, he hired me and I started training at a restaurant (Ben Pao) where the training manager was leaving (or, she was supposed to leave and never did; but, that is another story).

In college, I did ALOT of things that I was afraid to do.  Just going to college was scary.  First day, in the dorms, did not know a SOUL.  Scary.  I walked most places, even at night (and, of course, I lived in the dorms on the opposite end of campus from my architecture studio).  I was always alert; but, not ever afraid (God was always with me and I know that now). 

My favorite story is joining the Falling Illini.  My mom had a boyfriend (that I disliked greatly) that was a skydiver.  I thought, if that coward (forgive me, he was the only person in the world that ever socked me in the face) can jump out of a plane, I can do it, too.  So, one of my sorority sisters and I (I hope you are doing well, Julie!) went to Vandalia, IL to go through the training and do our first jump.  (FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!).  We did a "static line" jump, where you have to CRAWL OUT ONTO THE WING OF THE PLANE AND LET GO (what was I thinking?).  It was AWESOME!  Then, one of my good friends and HER sorority sister wanted to do it; so, I went with them.  My first jump that day, they were still in training; so, they watched as I careened to the earth with my broken radio (and it had been at least a year since my first jump) and tried to remember how to land.  I ended up in a corn field; but, honestly, it was the softest landing I remember.  They laughed.  I thought it was GREAT!  Then, I jumped with them later in the day.  Three times.  Jumped from a plane.  I DID it!

I am discovering more things about myself each year (I wish I could say each day).  I have done many more things that I was afraid to do and I hope I continue to do things that scare me.  Most recently, I was VERY AFRAID to take in my dad (who suffered a stroke about 5 years ago and has dementia).  He lived with us for two years and I WAS EVEN MORE AFRAID to move him out one month ago.  But, I did it.

I don't see the things I learn until I look back on the things I was afraid to do.  I was VERY AFRAID to write a blog.  We'll see how that goes.  LOL.  But, I discover so much about myself and about the world.  I discover what I am MEANT to do and I plan to help my children conquer their fears and find their own ways.  God is WITH us.  He is part of us and he is with us, always.  He will help you to conquer your fears.  You are NOT ALONE.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

Today marks 10 years since the day I wed my wonderful husband.  Through all the ups and downs, these have been the best years of my life.

We have challenges and we see them.  We acknowledge them.  We work on them.  Together. 

We have triumphs and joys and laughter and a lot of love.  We have two wonderful gifts (our children)

I love you my dear, sweet husband!  Happy Anniversary.

I look forward to celebrating with you when I get home!

Leaving for the Weekend

It was really, really stressful for me the first time I left my kids for the weekend (one year ago).  Maybe one of the reasons they call it, "attachment parenting" is because I am attached to THEM. 

The good thing is that it also led to a one-night getaway this spring for my husband and me.  That was a wonderful time to reconnect.  Now, I know why other parents suggest it!

And, I am getting ready to leave again.  Just three days; but, it is still hard.  After caring for my dad for two years, everyone says this is good for me.  I am keeping that in mind.  I don't feel AS stressed- especially because my husband does not also have to care for my Dad.

It also helps that we have a celebration planned for Sunday (when I return) centered around my Dad and my brother's homecoming, who was first in Korea and now in Alaska (serving in the Air Force).

I am almost packed.  My friend (and ride to the airport) is coming soon.  I am ready for this America in Bloom symposium.  And, I will miss my boys (and my husband!) but, I know they will have fun.  I love them.

Imperfection

I used to strive for perfection.  I never attained it; but, I never stopped trying. Then, "it" happened slowly.  Starting 7 (or so) years ago (my oldest is 7), I stopped trying to make sure everything was perfect all the time.  I just recently noticed this.  And, I believe I am the better for it.

Less stressing.  Less worrying (especially about what others think/say/do to me).  Less lying awake at night.  Trying to be a lot less self-centered.  The quest for perfection was a selfish and lonely one.  A sad one.

When striving for perfection, I would gloss over my mistakes (instead of learning from them).  There are so many other things I missed out on.  I feel good about this imperfect journey.

I am trying to accept me as I am.  All my mistakes (tons!).  All my faults (eek!).  All my love.  All of me.  And, I am trying to teach my children to do the same.

I desperately want my children to see how wonderfully imperfect they are.  And, we thank God every day for all the gifts He has given them (all the challenges, all the wonders, all the opportunities to be forgiven, everything).

Imperfection is the new "perfect".

Relief?

One week ago, we checked my dad into Ottawa Pavilion, a care facility.

I thought I would feel a huge relief (from the time and stress of caring for dad).  But, I didn't.  It is coming slowly.

My youngest son was just 2 when my dad moved in with us.  So, basically, having grandpa here is all he knows.  Needless to say, he has been "acting out" all week long during this transition time.  Yikes!  This too shall pass, right?

I haven't been myself, either, during this change.  Again, I expected to feel a huge relief.  But, I just started noticing an improvement in my bad mood in the last 2 days.  That does not help me to provide extra love for my son during his "acting out" of his emotions.  Again, I have been doing better the last couple of days.

During these times, I often turn to my friends.  But, my husband is out of town for a week and illness is going around; so, I have not been able to get some much-needed perspective (or alone time, lol).

But, my dad is doing better than I expected during this change.  He is content every time we see him (but, tired; I will have to address that with his nurses).  I hope that he continues to have many good days and that he is comfortable and content.  I pray for that. 

Relief is coming slowly.  Thankful.  Breathing.