A Gingerbread House? What were we thinking?

First, I would like to mention that this process took lots of planning.  After deciding THIS was the year that we would attempt to make a gingerbread house (my oldest son has been requesting one for at least three years), I started thinking about when would be the best time to make it.  Then, there are not many places to get candy around here (without HCFS and artificial colors and flavors); so, we had to order some.  THEN, my son HAD to have marshmallows.  So, we decided to make some one day.  We found the recipe at, http://urbanposer.blogspot.com/2012/11/rustic-homemade-marshmallows-whoney.html; and, it was a little intimidating at first (from the mom who totally messed up the rock candy for the science experiment).  But, it turned out to be easier than we thought.

Honey-Cinnamon Marshmallows

1 c. filtered water (split into half cups)

2 1/2 T. of Knox gelatin (the "urban poser" used Great Lakes brand) 

1 c. organic light colored honey or maple syrup or half of each (we just used honey)

1 t. vanilla extract

1/4 t. salt
optional: Arrowroot starch to coat

Grease an 8×8(or larger) pan and line with parchment paper in both directions. Leave some length to use as handles when removing your finished marshmallows. Grease the parchment paper again and sprinkle with a layer of arrowroot starch or other coating of choice.

In your mixer bowl, sprinkle the gelatin evenly over 1/2 cup of water. Allow to "bloom" for about 10 minutes.

While the gelatin is blooming, pour the other 1/2 cup of water in a sauce pan along with the honey/maple syrup and the salt. Turn the burner on at a medium to medium high heat. Bring the mixture to a boil (watch it because it could foam over the top). Place candy thermometer in the pan and continue to boil until mixture reaches 240 degrees (soft ball stage: a drop of the syrup in ice water forms a pliable ball). This could take anywhere from 10-40 minutes.

If using a standing mixer set it to medium. Pour the honey/syrup mixture into the bowl a steady stream, combining it with the softened gelatin. Avoid pouring it directly on to the beaters or the syrup will splatter and hit you or the sides of the bowl. Pouring somewhat slowly is also very important, otherwise the sugar syrup will be too hot when it hits the gelatin causing the marshmallow mixture to break later when you try to spread it.
Turn the mixer to high and continue beating until it triples in volume, becomes light in color and the bowl is more or less cool to the touch (this can be anywhere from 5-10 minutes depending on your beaters). Times WILL vary! Add the vanilla and continue to beat a minute or two more, giving it enough time to mix in completely. If adding spices, now is the times to add those as well. When the marshmallow cream is sufficiently whipped it has good volume and holds its shape for a moment before falling back on itself when scooped up with the beaters.

Turn off the mixer and transfer the marshmallow cream to the prepared pan. Smooth out the top with a pallet knife or back of a spoon, again, working quickly before it begins to set. Remember, if using a coating (such as arrowroot), add a light sprinkling to the bottom of the pan first before transferring the marshmallow cream. Sprinkle starch evenly over the top and pat down if needed.

If you are not using a coating then lightly grease your hands with oil and pat smooth. This will help keep the marshmallow cream from sticking to your fingers. Allow anywhere from 4-6 hours, this could take less time depending on the temp of the syrup. If you want them to look nice and clean after cutting I recommend waiting at least 4 hours, even if they seem set, as they will be wet inside.

Other coating options: Try all kinds of crushed nuts, coconut, almond flour mixed with spices, cocoa or other starches.

When set, remove the marshmallows by lifting from the parchment paper flaps. Cut to desired size and shapes. Add more coating while cutting if needed and toss them again in some starch once cut for a super nice finish.

Enjoy! Mmmm.

 

 

Next up, designing the gingerbread house.  We were inspired by the blog we found the recipe we used for our GLUTEN FREE gingerbread house; but, um, hers was ALOT fancier (check it out at, http://simplygluten-free.com/blog/2010/12/gluten-free-gingerbread-house.html).  We did not want to be fancy (but, my 7yo DID ask for a chimney).  We just wanted it to TASTE GOOD and REMAIN STANDING.  So, one night, we measured and cut out the shapes needed for our gingerbread house.

THEN, finally, the day came that I made the gingerbread dough and the frosting.  THEN, the next day I rolled (ARGH that stuff is HARD) and cut out, then baked the pieces.  THEN, the following day, it was time to CONSTRUCT the gingerbread house.  WOO HOO! (Whew!)

Here are the other two recipes we used:

Gluten Free Gingerbread House Recipe (we cut this recipe in half)

 4 c. superfine brown or white rice flour
1 1/3 c. superfine sweet rice flour (I had to sub more brown rice flour)
1 1/3 c. potato starch
1 1/3 c. millet flour
8 t. xanthan gum
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. baking powder
1 1/2 t. kosher or fine sea salt
4 t. ground ginger
4 t. ground cinnamon
1 t. ground cloves
1 c. unsalted butter
1 c. organic dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 c. organic molasses

In a large mixing bowl whisk together the rice flour, sweet rice flour, potato starch, millet flour and xanthan gum. Take out 1 cup of the flour for kneading and rolling.

To the remaining flour add the baking soda, baking powder, salt, ginger, cinnamon and cloves.

In the bowl of an electric mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, cream the butter with the dark brown sugar. Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Beat in the molasses. Turn the mixer to low and gradually add the flour, mixing just until combined. Dust a work surface with some of the reserved flour and put the dough on top. Knead the dough until it is easy to work with and no longer sticky, adding flour as needed. Divide the dough into three portions, wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour. Can be made up to 3 days ahead and kept in the fridge.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Remove dough from fridge and place on parchment paper and roll out 1/4 inch thick. Cut into the shape of the gingerbread house templates and place the dough pieces along with the parchment paper on thick, flat baking sheets. Bake for 15 minutes or until just starting to color and it feels firm to the touch.

Let pieces cool on the pans. Assemble into house using icing as glue. Decorate as desired.

We did not use a "traditional" gingerbread house icing. We used a buttercream frosting that we knew would taste yummy:

Gingerbread Buttercream Frosting (aka "Glue")

3 c. organic powdered sugar
1/3 c. organic butter, softened
1 t. vanilla extract
1 t. lemon zest

3-4 T. organic goat milk (we can't drink cow's milk)

Beat powdered sugar, butter, extracts and flavoring in a bowl. Gradually stir in enough milk to achieve desired consistency.

These are the items we put on it:  all natural gummy stars (from Whole Foods), Yum Earth Organics hard candies, all natural candy canes (purchased from Abe's Market), dark chocolate raisins, our marshmallows (see above) and organic coconut (aka "snow").

Here is our MASTERPIECE (at least it tasted yummy)!  It was SO HARD to get it to stay standing!  Both boys were holding the sides while I tried to assemble the roof (with VERY sticky hands by then) AND THEN I discovered that the side walls needed to be outside the front/back walls because otherwise, the roof would not stay (more stickiness as I shifted them).  ARGH!  Ah.  There.  It stayed.  Then, we carefully placed the chimney and some candies and "shored up" the sides with our XL marshmallows. Ta DA!

My 7yo said when we practice every year, we will get better at it.  Ummm.  Yes.  Ok.  Maybe. 

It was worth it.  Every memory and every bite.  YUM!  Ok, I will do it again.  LOL.

 

  

The GREAT Compromise

We visit my dad at least a couple of times per week; and, we (now) have to ring a doorbell to enter his wing at his care facility.  I was getting tired of having my boys fight and race each other to ring the doorbell (I really don't understand the appeal) OR ringing the doorbell twice, possibly annoying the nurses answering the door.  So, I told them one time that they had to decide who was going to ring the doorbell BEFORE they got to the door.

One day, as we were walking down the hall toward the door in my dad's wing, my youngest remembered this "rule".  So, he started trying to convince my oldest why he should ring the doorbell.  It ended up that my 4yo had to give something to my 7yo in EXCHANGE for ringing the doorbell.  So, they both agreed that was what would happen.

After we left my dad's wing, my 7yo remembered that his brother needed to give him something.  (Please note that we give the kids multivitamins every day; and, we got one they did not like.  I had tried (and failed) to return them; so, I told the boys we would have them every other day so they don't go to waste.  Then, one day, we were down to one of each--one they liked and one they didn't like; so, I told them what to expect the next day.)  So, I suggested he could give up some of his "electronic minutes" (earned from chores); but, he paused and thought for a moment.  My 4yo then told my 7yo that "he would take the "bad" vitamin tomorrow".  Wow, great idea, buddy!  Then, I asked my 7yo if he agreed.

Number one, I was impressed that he remembered.  Number two, I was impressed that he KNEW he was giving my 7yo something good.  And, number three, I WISH it was like that all the time.  It is not.  But, a mom can dream, right?

I am just grateful for this one GREAT compromise.  And, I am hoping to continue to enable my kids to make more in the future.

It's a Stage (of Grief)

I knew my family was "off".  I knew we were readjusting to having a house of 4, instead of a house of 5 (or often more, with my father's other caregivers).  I knew my 4 year old was acting out because he was readjusting.

I just could not put my finger on what we were experiencing.  Until now.  We were grieving.

My family went through a period of grief when we moved my dad out.  That is why it did not feel like a relief.  We were still heavy with grief.  It was a change for the better; and, that is why we made it.  But, we were grieving the loss of a family member (living in our home).  It was a different kind of grief because, thankfully, my dad is still alive.  But, it was still grief.

It honestly feels good to have recognized it.  We have been feeling "lighter" in the last few weeks; and, that is when my husband and I started realizing what we went through.

Whew.  Now, we are able to better feel the gratitude for not having to care for Dad around the clock.  We are better able to be silly, to feel joy.  It was really weighing on us (possibly for longer than I realize).

Today, I feel grateful, lighter and happier.  I can see it in my husband and our children, too.  Thank you, God.

Anticipating the Momentous

I overheard my 7-year-old son playing with his "space guys" (Star Wars hand-me-downs); and, I was surprised at his use of the word, "torture."  I asked him where he heard, saw or read that.  He "did not remember."

My mind went into all different directions.  I was thinking about this show I watch on my computer, called, "Scandal", and how I hate watching what they portray as torture.  I was also thinking about all of the beautiful things Nelson Mandela taught us in his lifetime--all the amazing things he did without violence.  Which also brought to mind what Martin Luther King, Jr., taught/preached/did in his life without violence (and why he chose that way).

I just can't help thinking that some people want to be able to control what happens to them and their families (and their country) SO BADLY that they would hurt someone to protect someone else.  I just can't help thinking that doesn't make sense.

I don't know what the answer is when someone is trying to hurt you or someone you love.   I don't know what we are SUPPOSED to do.  I don't know what I would do.  I know that I would not know how to live with myself either way (letting something happen to someone I love OR hurting someone else).

It hurts enough when I make a mistake with words, which is a passive form of HATE/violence.  In our divided country, we have not come very far from the age of Julius Caesar. 

My sons and I are reading from, "The Story of the World"; and, we just finished the chapter about how the Senate of Rome wanted to make sure Julius Caesar did not become "too powerful".  Former friends of Caesar (members of the Senate) plotted to kill him and succeeded.

I can't be the only one seeing how similar this is to what is happening in our country today.  Our nation is divided and many people in our government are plotting against our leader.  Is it possible that they think President Obama will become "too powerful"?  I don't know.  What I have witnessed is hate and division.  Throughout history, countries divided NEVER win.  History repeats itself.

It is in that spirit that I am still hopeful.

Thinking about life in terms of Jesus (as in, "what would Jesus do?"), I don't believe he would choose hate with words or actions/violence.  Look what He did for us.  LOOK what he did for us.

In this season of advent, I am looking forward to a world without violence.  I am anticipating a world without war.  I am dreaming of Christ's momentous return.  I feel His time is near.

After all, the next chapter in "The Story of the World" (after the chapter describing the reign of Augustus Caesar) is, "The birth of Christ".  We decided to wait until the week before Christmas to read it.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

REAL Comfort Food

Whenever someone uses the term, "comfort food", I think of food that makes me feel good physically and mentally.  But, I think many people use the term (including me, at one time!) to describe food that makes them "comfortable" mentally (for various reasons, mostly what we grew up eating/what our mothers made), EVEN THOUGH it makes us feel very UN-comfortable physically (i.e., bloating, indigestion, heartburn).  Our senses of taste and smell are most closely linked to our memories; so, that makes sense.  But, I think we need to try to still eat amazing, decadent "comfort" food AND be healthy/feel good. 

Everyone's body is different.  Everyone needs to find out (trial and error is really the BEST way) what foods make them feel UN-comfortable.

I did not notice how badly some food was making me feel until I HAD to pay attention.  I was told by my doctor (over 3 years ago, now) that I should try eating gluten free for 2-3 weeks and then try gluten and see what happens.  Whoa!  When I ate gluten after eliminating it from my system, my body REACTED (sinuses filled up, major gastrointestinal discomfort and 3 DAYS of pea-soup thick fatigue...ugh!).  I have tentatively tried it a few times over the last few years, only to have the same reaction.  Pretty sure my body ATTACKS gluten as if it were invading (aka allergic reaction)!

The other gastrointestinal health problems I have had over the past year have brought to light more things to which my body is sensitive:  chocolate (that's a really hard one for me), cow's milk (lactose, mostly), tomatoes, peppers, white potatoes, eggplant, and tomatillos (these are all in the same plant family-nightshades; and, these are also hard because this is everything my Mexican husband uses to cook).

The best compliments I have gotten for my cooking are from friends who say, "That was so good; and, I feel so good after eating it!"  Yes!  That's my goal!

So, what does my family eat?  I have learned a lot about what we can eat by trial and error (my kids have sensitivities, too!  Our kids are often allergic to the same things as their parents).  But, I have also learned by reading.  I now know that butter, brie, camembert and many hard cheeses (even made with cow's milk) do NOT have lactose (and, my body is fine with them, too!).  We go for organic and sheep's milk and goat's milk hard cheeses as often as possible for the added nutrients/environment-friendly/easier-proteins-to-digest aspects.

My oldest son wanted something "thanksgiving-y" for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning.  So, the night before, I made an orange-cranberry bread (which I used to make with gluten).  I found this awesome recipe for Paleo Cranberry Orange Bread a few weeks ago at, theholisticmama.com.  When we had it in the morning, it tasted like pound cake with cranberries in it!  Decadent AND makes us feel so good!  I am serious.  It is SO GOOD.

For our Thanksgiving dinner, I also made some gluten free artisan bread the night before (because as hard as I tried to NOT WANT stuffing, I WANTED STUFFING!).  I cubed and toasted the bread in the morning.  I used a new stuffing recipe because I wanted something different and it WAS SO SUPER YUMMY, I have to share (please see below).  I also got a turkey (I would like to try this dry-brine method; but, until I feel like changing, I just massaged it with butter and spices and roasted it breast DOWN at 425 for 20 minutes, then at 325 for the rest of the baking time.  I never baste and it has always come out perfect.  Phew.).  We also had green beans with bacon, roasted sweet potatoes, salad and cranberry bars (recipe also below) and a GF pie my sister brought.  My sister also brought a selection of hard cheeses and GF crackers, which we had with some kielbasa and vegetables for lunch.

Paleo Cranberry Orange Bread
Here is my version (I omitted the Young Living Orange Essential Oil and added organic agave nectar instead of maple syrup).  I was going to take a picture for you; but, we gobbled up all but two pieces.  So, I took a picture of myself eating one of the last pieces.  LOL.

4 free-range eggs, beaten
1/4 c.  organic coconut oil, melted
1/4 c. canned organic coconut milk (classic, full fat)
1/3 c. organic agave nectar
1/2 c. fresh squeezed orange juice (we actually used tangerines)
1 t. organic vanilla extract
1/2 c.  organic coconut flour, sifted
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. sea salt
1 c. fresh organic cranberries, chopped or halved

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Mix together the wet ingredients and add the dry ingredients and stir until combined.  Fold in the fresh cranberries.   Pour batter into loaf pan greased with coconut oil.  Bake for 1 hour or until loaf is set and a toothpick comes out clean.  Enjoy!  I did!

Cranberry Bars
(These were so good, I had 2 for dessert and 2 with breakfast!)
I found this recipe at elanaspantry.com, one of my favorite GF blogs.

1 c. raw pecans
5 organic medjool dates, pitted
1 T. grapeseed oil or vegan shortening (I used a bit of coconut oil and a bit of organic Earth Balance)
¼ t. celtic sea salt
6 c. fresh organic cranberries, picked over (discard bad ones, i.e. squishy or blackened)
1 c. agave nectar or honey (I used up a jar of honey and also used agave nectar to equal 1 cup)
1 T. orange zest (I used tangerine zest)

Place pecans and dates in food processor and blitz until coarsely ground.  Pulse in oil and salt until mixture begins to form a ball.  Press crust into a greased 8 x 8 inch baking dish.  Bake at 350° for 8-12 minutes until lightly browned. 
To make cranberry topping, place 4 cups cranberries, agave and orange zest in a pot on the stove.  Bring mixture to a boil, then cover and reduce to a simmer 10-15 minutes, until cranberries start to dissolve.  Add remaining 2 cups cranberries and cook covered for 5 more minutes.  Remove mixture from heat and allow to cool for 10 minutes.  Pour mixture over pecan crust.
Allow bars to set for 60-90 minutes.  (I refrigerated overnight). Cut in squares and ENJOY!

 

 

Gluten Free Sweet & Savory Stuffing

I googled "gluten free stuffing" and found this one that I wanted to try, http://www.oprah.com/food/Gluten-Free-Stuffing#ixzz2m3MVil6g; but, I omitted and adjusted a bit.

 

1 loaf cubed gluten-free bread (I made my own GF artisan loaf from "Artisan Bread in 5 minutes a day")

6 oz. mild Italian sausage (we can only tolerate a little garlic)

1/3 c. and 4 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil (we used a little expeller pressed grapeseed oil, too)

2 small celery ribs, chopped into 1-inch pieces
3 carrots , chopped into 1-inch pieces
1 stick (1/2 cup) organic unsalted butter , cut into 8 T.
1/2 c. dry white wine (we had an open bottle of pinot noir that I used)
1 large organic green apple, peeled, seeded, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 c. organic walnuts, coarsely chopped
1/2 c. organic raisins
2 c. of water (what we used, based on the amount of bread we had)
3 organic free range eggs (I can't make stuffing without eggs)
1 fresh lemon, squeezed for juice
1 T. dried thyme
2 t. kosher salt
2 t. cracked pepper

To make bread cubes: Place bread in a large bowl and add 4 tablespoons of olive oil. Using your hands, mix everything together well. Place the bread cubes on a baking sheet and bake until the bread has turned a golden color—approximately 15 to 30 minutes, depending on the oven. Flip the bread over halfway through baking using a spatula to make sure it is evenly baked. Remove from oven and let the bread cubes cool on the baking sheet for 2 hours to give them time to harden if you want to use them right away. 
To make stuffing: Preheat the oven to 325°. (I put ours in when the turkey was almost done and finished it for 30 minutes after the turkey came out).  Cook the sausage first. Heat a heavy skillet over high heat until hot. Add the sausages and break up the meat using a metal spatula into small pieces. Cook until the meat has browned and has started to caramelize, about 15 to 20 minutes. Set aside. (I put the sausage in a bowl and added the vegetables and oil/butter to the same pan).  Add 1/3 cup olive oil, and then the butter. No need for the butter to completely melt before adding vegetables.
Quickly add celery and carrots. Cook about 8 to 10 minutes. Add wine and cook until almost evaporated. Place the bread cubes in a bowl large enough to mix the stuffing when the vegetables are added.   Add the cooked sausages, green apples, walnuts and raisins to the bread cubes. Add eggs. Add water gradually, mixing well after each addition. If the stuffing is too dry after adding all of the water (you can also use chicken stock), add more water 1/2 cup at a time.
Add the lemon juice, thyme, kosher salt and cracked pepper and mix well using a wooden spoon. Correct seasoning by adding more salt and pepper if necessary.
Place in a baking pan, cover tightly with aluminum foil. Bake at 325° for 1 hour.  I take off the foil for the last 15-20 minutes to get it nice and crunchy!

 

 

 



My family is THANKFUL for:  God, Family, and REALLY GOOD "COMFORT" FOOD!  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

 

I did not have any pictures of my youngest son from dinner.  So, this is a picture taken of both of my boys on Thanksgiving morning.  LOL.  To read more about this picture (below), go to www.houseoffigsandhoney.blogspot.com

 

 

 

Back to the Drawing Boards

A little over a year ago, we purchased a second dry erase board easel for our then-3-year-old for his half birthday present.  He LOVED it!  I could tell by his reaction how special he felt (his older brother had one that he always wanted to use).  But, I put it right NEXT to his big brother's easel board.  So, after witnessing him comparing his own drawings to the intricate drawings of his brother's; I sighed (to myself) and felt that his drawing would improve with practice.

Except, he STOPPED practicing.  He did not draw on this board that he LOVED.  He must have felt inadequate somehow.  This made me so sad. 

UNTIL, I had a light bulb moment!  I turned around both easels so they were back-to-back (or, chalkboard to chalkboard, LOL) so that he could no longer easily compare his drawings to those of his brother.  I did not show him or tell him what I did.  I just waited.

I feel like it happened slowly.  One day, my now 4 1/2 year old just started drawing on "his" board and kept doing it, more and more frequently, until his drawings began to take shape!  He now has very detailed drawings and does not try (as much) to just make what his older brother is making.

It is rare that a day goes by that he does not draw on his board.  He is happy and engaged and PROUD of his drawings.  Me too.

Health Update

Me, first.  I am healing-in so many ways.  I discovered that my vitamins (that I had been taking for about a year) had raw onions in them.  I have been allergic to raw onions my whole life.  I feel so foolish for not checking into that sooner.  I started new vitamins a little over a month ago and I have had many good days in the last few weeks.  I even had an awesomely "normal" week after I went to my chiropractor.  I am still healing.  I feel so much better, though.  My skin has started to look better, too (bonus!).

I am trying to stress less (as recommended by...everyone).  I make it a point to exercise and I may have a new yoga buddy!  If we can go to yoga at least once a week (and hold each other accountable for going); I think we will be happier mamas!  I LOVE savasana at the end of practice.  Healing happens in those 10 minutes of meditation and complete relaxation (it is also called, "corpse pose"!).  I also love being social and I have been making a point to get together with friends more often (it's not easy with busy mamas!).  

We have not invited people over at all for about a year.  It was just awkward and hard (with my dad in hospice care and us not wanting to disturb his rhythm).  We LOVE cooking for our friends (and having them cook for us! *grin*) and we miss it.  So, we have started doing that more.

I also did not realize how much "space" caring for my dad had taken in my head.  I don't know how better to describe this.  But, I am so grateful for that extra "space".  I feel a little guilty admitting that.  I love my dad with all my heart and it was worth giving him some of my "space" for a while.

Next, my dad.  He is slowing down.  Hospice says they can't see it; but, I can.  The last report from them was, "his vitals are good and...he's gaining weight!".  The same nurse that is seeing him had claimed that I might need to give dad more food (a few months ago).  We gave him as much as he would eat (A LOT!) and did not change a thing when he started gaining weight in late May (up 13 pounds by mid-July!).  He has gained about 5 more pounds since then.  My concern is that he is gaining "water weight" because of his declining kidneys.  Hospice doesn't think so.  So, I just continue to pray.

I pray for my dad to know true peace.  I pray for him to know true comfort.  I pray for him to know true love.  I pray for him to experience these things on earth, while he is still with us.  I pray for him to leave this world before he declines too much to function.  I pray for peace for me and all my family.  I pray to feel God's presence with us all, through it all.  Amen.

 

"42" and "Obamacare"

My husband and I just watched a wonderful (and tremendously sad) movie about the story of Jackie Robinson, called "42".  I cried during parts of the movie.  My stomach lurched during parts where the racism was so palpable, it hurt.  Mr. Robinson was so brave. His story was triumphant.  He came before Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr.  He came before Barack Obama.

The sad, sickening part is that we still live with racism (and sexism and ageism) and I think that is crazy and awful.  Why does hate exist?  What makes a person think that another person was not created equal? What makes someone think that people should be treated as "less than" (less than them, less than human at worst)?  There is nothing more blinding than hatred.  We are all God's children; therefore, we are all equal.  Our socioeconomic status does not matter.  Our sex does not matter.  The color of our skin does not matter.  Our religion does not matter.  I know that is easy to say.  But, that is what I really believe.  I know many, many other people believe it, too.  More and more, I would like to believe.

Love thy neighbor.  There are no qualifiers.

I have experienced discrimination at times.  Because I am female.  Because of sexist comments.  I have even experienced discrimination because of my Mexican married name, Ruvalcaba.  But, what I have experienced in my 38 years is NOTHING compared to the HATE that many people have endured for generations.  I just can't imagine.

I am not an expert in what is happening in our government; but, it looks pretty messy to me.  Sometimes it makes me cry.  Sometimes it makes my stomach lurch.  The racism in Washington is palpable.

It is crazy to me to discover that what is being billed as "Obamacare" was started by Republicans.  And, now, for some reason, they are doing everything they can to try to stop it.  What?  This makes no sense.

Remember when we were NOT required to have auto insurance? (for those of you who are younger, there was a time.) Has anyone ever been burned when they were in an accident with someone who did not have insurance?  Then, we balked a little when every driver was required to have insurance; but, those of us that already had insurance did not see a big difference (except there were no tax credits for it).  In fact, I feel like my rates have been about the same for 20 years!  If memory serves, I am paying less today than I was 10 years ago.

And so it goes with health insurance.  We are paying for the uninsured.  We may not notice it in the overly complicated medical billing process (to make up for the discrepancies, our bills to our insurance companies are supremely "marked up"); but, WE (the insured) are paying at least 1000% over the ACTUAL cost (sometimes more!).  And, you thought retail mark-ups were high!  So, because our insurance companies pay these inflated costs, they of course, want to make money, so they increase our rates.  Don't you see?  This has to stop.  Everyone needs to be insured.

The best way to do that is to make it AFFORDABLE (Obamacare).  We still have choices.  We just have to be insured.  From what I have read, a LOT of thought has gone into this.  There are tax credits to offset the cost of insurance.  The choices are better.  The private companies are going to HAVE to be more competitive because the public is making more INFORMED choices.  We (the public) have had to educate ourselves over the last few years as we analyzed all of our health care costs because it is one of our biggest expenses (in my house, at least).

In my home, we start with prevention.  We choose to go to the doctor less.  We eat pretty "clean" (very little processed food, almost all organic).  We exercise.  We go to the chiropractor regularly (this has helped us greatly with our immune system and allergies).  We pay more for food to be healthier.  It is the best investment for my family.  It is the most important thing to us.

Back to Jackie Robinson.  And, OUR President Barack Obama.  Thank you, both, for helping to change the world (and so many others).  Thank you for helping us to see the whole world in color.  There should be no "black" and "white".  Ever.  Two men, doing/did the best they can/could, to make the world a little better.

"Obamacare" makes perfect sense.  So does a world full of color!

Fear

I am inspired to write about fear after reading Glennon Doyle Melton's, "Carry On Warrior. Thoughts on Life Unarmed".  By the way, I loved her words, her stories, and her.  She is authentic and "brutiful" (she says life is brutal and beautiful, therefore...).  A friend just told me she also loved Melton's book and she currently can't stop reading books by Brene Brown.  Brene Brown!  I loved her TED talk on "Vulnerability".  I am definitely reading her books!

Oh!  I just found one of her books, "The gifts of imperfection : let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are".  Totally reading THAT one.

So, regarding fear, I first thought about my children.  I have been reading "Homeschooling Education Magazine" lately; and, many of their contributors write about trusting in your children and letting them take the lead for their education.  I know in my heart that this is what I want to do; but, we are not quite there yet.  We get closer every day, though.  Really. (Fear!)

One recent article described offering children the opportunity to not only have EXPERIENCES (field trips, nature walks, etc.); but, to also give them freedom to experience ADVENTURES (letting them go on their own and see what amazing things can happen).  I already believed this; but, I am grateful to see it in writing.  Looking back, I can see some moments I have "let go". 

When my kids were learning to walk, they wanted to climb our stairs (of course).  So, I let them (I was right there with them, helping them; but, I got farther and farther away until I knew they could do it alone).  Ironically, learning how to go up was easier for them than learning how to go down.

After the stairs came the playground.  They both wanted to climb the tricky rope ladder at an early age, so I let them.  I was right there if they needed me; but, they did a pretty darn good job on their own!

I have taught my children to cross the street properly (even the alley behind our house is treated as a street, of course!).  So, I feel confident that they will look and listen in both directions (or all 4) before they cross any street.  Therefore, when my oldest was 5, (after having walked him both ways a few times for his half-hour piano lesson), I let him go by himself (It's just about a block away).  I also let my boys walk together to a friend's house nearby, crossing two streets and just beyond my view (eek!).

I also trust my oldest son on his own at the library.  But, the library has a rule that you have to be 8 to be on your own (he has been on his own frequently since he was 5).  There was one unfortunate time (recently!) that for some reason (even though he could see our car out the window) he thought we had left him at the library (I had, in fact, taken his brother and cousins to the movie section).  So, he was crying and the library lady glared at me.  After that, I FOUND OUT about the 8 year old "on your own" age requirement by way of signs posted in the library.  Ugh.

Looking forward, I need to make a conscious effort with my boys.  I want to continue to connect with them and truly trust them.  I picture a fishing line and reel; but, I don't know if that is quite the right analogy.  I often let them go and "reel them in" if necessary.  We have a "rule" (I don't really like that word) that you have freedom until you break the rules (be respectful and don't harm anyone or anything).  But, then there are the times that they "swim away" (I let go) and then they "swim back" (phew).

I do these things because I KNOW they are going to be OK.  God tells me.  Sometimes not in words.  But, sometimes I REALLY DO hear a voice that I don't expect.  He lets me know everything is going to be OK.  I would never intentionally put my kids in danger.  I KNOW when I should avoid certain situations.  God tells me.  He is also with my kids.  They know it, too.  In fact, I still remember one time when I got up at night to use the bathroom; and, when I returned, my sleepy youngest son said, "I wasn't scared, mommy.  God stayed with me."

Then, I started thinking about myself.  I have often taken on challenges and conquered my fears.

For example, in high school I suffered from low self-esteem.  It did not help when I was called upon to read aloud in Honors English.  I often STOPPED BREATHING as I read (I do not know why but, fear struck hearing just my voice in the super-quiet classroom) and then, I began HYPERVENTILATING before I finished the selection (which made my whole body shake and made my voice come out even quieter and probably a bit squeaky).  That was EMBARRASSING.  I had to take speech class, too.  I had to do better.  I was not great at it; but, I was always complemented on my speeches (by the people who sat in front and could actually hear me). 

So, in college, I took two more speech classes.  Then, at my first "real job", I was asked by our manager to do the employee orientation and Radisson guest service training.  I did it.  Many times.  And, I loved it so much I decided that was what I wanted to do, that was what I liked most about my job.  So, I met a guy who was Vice President of Lettuce Entertain You (a successful restaurant group based in Chicago).  He was staying at the hotel and a good friend of mine was working for him.  He gave me his card.  So, when I wanted to move back to Chicago (because I was not "feeling it" in Champaign, IL), I called that guy (oh, the fear!) and asked if he had a training manager job for me.

I quit my job and moved to Chicago with just an interview scheduled for the next day (fear!).  I went to the interview, he hired me and I started training at a restaurant (Ben Pao) where the training manager was leaving (or, she was supposed to leave and never did; but, that is another story).

In college, I did ALOT of things that I was afraid to do.  Just going to college was scary.  First day, in the dorms, did not know a SOUL.  Scary.  I walked most places, even at night (and, of course, I lived in the dorms on the opposite end of campus from my architecture studio).  I was always alert; but, not ever afraid (God was always with me and I know that now). 

My favorite story is joining the Falling Illini.  My mom had a boyfriend (that I disliked greatly) that was a skydiver.  I thought, if that coward (forgive me, he was the only person in the world that ever socked me in the face) can jump out of a plane, I can do it, too.  So, one of my sorority sisters and I (I hope you are doing well, Julie!) went to Vandalia, IL to go through the training and do our first jump.  (FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!).  We did a "static line" jump, where you have to CRAWL OUT ONTO THE WING OF THE PLANE AND LET GO (what was I thinking?).  It was AWESOME!  Then, one of my good friends and HER sorority sister wanted to do it; so, I went with them.  My first jump that day, they were still in training; so, they watched as I careened to the earth with my broken radio (and it had been at least a year since my first jump) and tried to remember how to land.  I ended up in a corn field; but, honestly, it was the softest landing I remember.  They laughed.  I thought it was GREAT!  Then, I jumped with them later in the day.  Three times.  Jumped from a plane.  I DID it!

I am discovering more things about myself each year (I wish I could say each day).  I have done many more things that I was afraid to do and I hope I continue to do things that scare me.  Most recently, I was VERY AFRAID to take in my dad (who suffered a stroke about 5 years ago and has dementia).  He lived with us for two years and I WAS EVEN MORE AFRAID to move him out one month ago.  But, I did it.

I don't see the things I learn until I look back on the things I was afraid to do.  I was VERY AFRAID to write a blog.  We'll see how that goes.  LOL.  But, I discover so much about myself and about the world.  I discover what I am MEANT to do and I plan to help my children conquer their fears and find their own ways.  God is WITH us.  He is part of us and he is with us, always.  He will help you to conquer your fears.  You are NOT ALONE.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

Today marks 10 years since the day I wed my wonderful husband.  Through all the ups and downs, these have been the best years of my life.

We have challenges and we see them.  We acknowledge them.  We work on them.  Together. 

We have triumphs and joys and laughter and a lot of love.  We have two wonderful gifts (our children)

I love you my dear, sweet husband!  Happy Anniversary.

I look forward to celebrating with you when I get home!

Leaving for the Weekend

It was really, really stressful for me the first time I left my kids for the weekend (one year ago).  Maybe one of the reasons they call it, "attachment parenting" is because I am attached to THEM. 

The good thing is that it also led to a one-night getaway this spring for my husband and me.  That was a wonderful time to reconnect.  Now, I know why other parents suggest it!

And, I am getting ready to leave again.  Just three days; but, it is still hard.  After caring for my dad for two years, everyone says this is good for me.  I am keeping that in mind.  I don't feel AS stressed- especially because my husband does not also have to care for my Dad.

It also helps that we have a celebration planned for Sunday (when I return) centered around my Dad and my brother's homecoming, who was first in Korea and now in Alaska (serving in the Air Force).

I am almost packed.  My friend (and ride to the airport) is coming soon.  I am ready for this America in Bloom symposium.  And, I will miss my boys (and my husband!) but, I know they will have fun.  I love them.

Imperfection

I used to strive for perfection.  I never attained it; but, I never stopped trying. Then, "it" happened slowly.  Starting 7 (or so) years ago (my oldest is 7), I stopped trying to make sure everything was perfect all the time.  I just recently noticed this.  And, I believe I am the better for it.

Less stressing.  Less worrying (especially about what others think/say/do to me).  Less lying awake at night.  Trying to be a lot less self-centered.  The quest for perfection was a selfish and lonely one.  A sad one.

When striving for perfection, I would gloss over my mistakes (instead of learning from them).  There are so many other things I missed out on.  I feel good about this imperfect journey.

I am trying to accept me as I am.  All my mistakes (tons!).  All my faults (eek!).  All my love.  All of me.  And, I am trying to teach my children to do the same.

I desperately want my children to see how wonderfully imperfect they are.  And, we thank God every day for all the gifts He has given them (all the challenges, all the wonders, all the opportunities to be forgiven, everything).

Imperfection is the new "perfect".

Relief?

One week ago, we checked my dad into Ottawa Pavilion, a care facility.

I thought I would feel a huge relief (from the time and stress of caring for dad).  But, I didn't.  It is coming slowly.

My youngest son was just 2 when my dad moved in with us.  So, basically, having grandpa here is all he knows.  Needless to say, he has been "acting out" all week long during this transition time.  Yikes!  This too shall pass, right?

I haven't been myself, either, during this change.  Again, I expected to feel a huge relief.  But, I just started noticing an improvement in my bad mood in the last 2 days.  That does not help me to provide extra love for my son during his "acting out" of his emotions.  Again, I have been doing better the last couple of days.

During these times, I often turn to my friends.  But, my husband is out of town for a week and illness is going around; so, I have not been able to get some much-needed perspective (or alone time, lol).

But, my dad is doing better than I expected during this change.  He is content every time we see him (but, tired; I will have to address that with his nurses).  I hope that he continues to have many good days and that he is comfortable and content.  I pray for that. 

Relief is coming slowly.  Thankful.  Breathing.

From-now-on Best Ever Banana Bread (and Paleo, too!)

I came across this recipe yesterday; but, I had to get some more almond meal.

We made it this morning and the results are bread-pudding-like awesomeness.  I will never ever make my banana bread another way.

 I recently subscribed to Allison Nichols' site, http://friskylemon.com/2012/06/14/too-good-banana-bread/ (no, I am not trying to lose weight...I just LOOOVE the recipes I see...and, I can't wait to try more!).

Too Good Banana Bread

Author: Allison Nichols

3 very ripe bananas

5 pitted Medjool dates (I used 7 because they were smallish)

5 Tbsp warm water

3 eggs

2 cups almond flour

¼ cup coconut oil (I used melted)

1 tbsp coconut flour

1 tsp cinnamon

1½ tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp baking soda

½ tsp sea salt

unsweetened coconut flakes for sprinkling (I did not use)

 

Preheat the oven to 350 F and line a bread pan with parchment paper.

 

In food processor, blitz the dates and warm water. Process until you have formed a nice date paste. Add the bananas and vanilla and process until just combined.

 

Pour the banana mix into a bowl and add your coconut oil, and eggs– mix until evenly distributed.

 

In a small bowl, combine all dry ingredients. Gradually add the dry ingredients to the wet while constantly stirring.

 

Pour the batter into the bread pan and sprinkle some coconut flakes on top for garnish, if using.

 

Bake for 45 to 50 minutes or until edges have browned and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

 

Cool on a wire rack, and enjoy with some pastured butter on top (we happen to have some...again, awesomeness).

Low FODMAP dinner attempt = YUM!

So, I have not been very adventurous in my cooking lately because I have been afraid that I might have a reaction. And, I was beginning to feel I had lost my joy for cooking and baking...  But, I have experienced some healing the past couple of weeks; and, I think my joy was just in hiding.  I have learned a lot more and have been following the low FODMAP diet with much success.

I was inspired to replicate the flavors of the special rice the chef made for me on our vacation (ginger, cilantro and coconut milk); and, I wanted to make fish in a new way.  The outcome was even better than I expected!

At 4:30pm, one night this week, I still did not know what I wanted to make my family for dinner.  I had made some brown rice and I had thawed some tilapia fish.  I kept staring at it, knowing I did not want the same old, same old (pan-fried, served with veggies and roasted sweet potatoes).

I spied a butternut squash and kept trying to figure out how I could make it into a soup (I had some homemade fish stock I wanted to use...that I ended up NOT using).  Even as I started making this, I was planning for it to be a soup; but, it turned out more like a stew that I served over rice.  Here goes...

Coconut Fish Stew
4 large farm-raised Tilapia filets
2-3 c. cubed organic butternut squash (a beast to peel and chop; but, worth it...enough to freeze for another meal!)
2 t. organic cane sugar
1 can organic light coconut milk
1/4 c. chopped organic cilantro
2 t. ginger powder (would be better with fresh; I had to add a bit at a time and experiment...add more or less according to your taste)
Sea salt/Kosher salt to taste
Fresh ground pepper to taste
Olive oil

Heat large skillet on low heat, add a tablespoon of olive oil.  When oil is fragrant, add cubed squash to brown in the pan, turning to brown on all sides and cook through. (At this point, I added Kosher salt to the squash).

In the meantime, chop the tilapia fillets into approx. 1" pieces (I use my kitchen scissors for this)
When the squash is browned on all sides and is softer, but still holds its shape, move it to the side of the pan and add the tilapia to cook through (I put some sea salt, pepper and ginger on the fish).  Cook the tilapia until it is visibly opaque.  Add the chopped cilantro and stir all together in pan.

Add the coconut milk and sugar and heat through while stirring.  Add extra salt or ginger, if needed.

Serve alone as stew or over a bed of brown rice as we did.  I could not stop eating it!  My husband said, "It was light but satisfying and delicious!"  My kids eyed it suspiciously and ate it anyway.  Perfect. Enjoy!

Gluten Free Crepes

Avoiding nuts is very hard, especially when almond flour is/was one of our gluten free staples!  Every pancake recipe we like has almond flour.  So, I looked for inspiration yesterday morning for a recipe without almond flour (so I can eat them!).

I decided to make crepes.  I was inspired by a recipe in Heidi Swanson's "Super Natural Cooking".

Please note that I just made these with my favorite method:  a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  So, I believe this will work with any blend of flours.  If your batter ends up too thick, just add more water.


Gluten Free Crepes

6 eggs
1/2 cup organic buckwheat flour
1/4 cup tapioca flour
1/4 cup organic millet flour
1/4 cup sorghum flour
pinch of sea salt
Approx. 1 1/2 cups filtered water
butter and oil for skillet

Blend all well with a whisk. 

Heat skillet so that a splash of water "dances".

Pour 1/2 to 1 teaspoon of grapeseed oil (or any high-heat oil) and 1 teaspoon of butter.  Heat in pan.  (Coconut oil would probably also work nicely).

Pour butter into pan (should be very thin), leaving space around to get a spatula under (if you are not adept at flipping).  I do not have a lightweight pan; so, I have not (yet) become a good "pancake flipper".  Cook on both sides.

While pouring, I often whisk in between pancakes (or just before I pour onto the pan) to prevent them separating.

Fill with anything.  Sweet or savory, your choice.  This morning, we just had them with jam and syrup.  Enjoy!

Chronic Diarrhea

There.  I said it.  It is VERY hard to talk about.  Very hard.  Embarrassing.  But, I have had chronic diarrhea for over a year.  And, I am FINALLY healing.

I have been consulting with my Naturopathic doctor, my Chiropractor and my Primary Care Doctor about all of my symptoms over the past year.  I have also been reading like crazy, trying to care for myself in between caring for my ailing father and the rest of my family.  I really "kicked it into high gear" when my youngest son was also experiencing chronic diarrhea for a few months.  I asked a LOT of questions and I read a LOT of books and articles.  I chose not to take the time and expense of seeing a Gastroenterologist because I know that I have to do much of the "trial and error".  I also wanted to educate myself.  I may see one in the future.

It is hard for me to say; but, the constant stress of caring for my father hasn't helped.

It all started with probiotics.  I am serious. It could have been a coincidence.  But, I am guessing I caused an imbalance of "good" and "bad" bacteria in my gut and started a "perfect storm" chain of events.  I was taking probiotics last year and withstood what I thought was a "cleanse" of sorts (diarrhea) while I (stupidly) continued taking the probiotics.  I switched types and brands and nothing helped.  I tried to stop taking probiotics.  That also did not help.  During this time, I was still nursing my youngest.

I took on a volunteer leadership responsibility that took me away from my children for the first time ever.  That was immensely stressful.  The healing that I had started (based on recommendations from my doctors) went out the window.  The inflammation in my gut was clearly exacerbated by stress and my condition worsened.

Throughout these months, I was trying to identify the foods that were "triggers".  I tried many things; but, I had figured out that onions (lifetime allergy to raw, possibly also cooked, more on that later), garlic (not my garlic!), cow's milk and gluten (which I was already avoiding from previous possibly related reactions) were huge triggers.  I also found out that the nightshade vegetable family (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, tomatillos and peppers) also really bothered me.

Very soon after I stopped nursing my youngest, he also started having problems with chronic diarrhea.  My guess is that he was comfort nursing and whatever enzymes and nutrients my breast milk provided balanced out his gut.  Now, we had to figure out how to replicate that.

He started on probiotics and a supplement from the chiropractor (containing calcium, minerals and herbs that targets healing in the gut).  When that alone did not work, our chiropractor tested him (and me!) for parasites and found them elevated (when your gut stops working right, parasites build up).  So, following a mild parasite cleanse (black radish supplement for us both), my son was better!  He has some flare-ups now (possible food allergens) that are easily tamed by probiotics.  We are pretty sure he is also allergic to nightshade vegetables (he was affected by these even when his only food was breast milk).

I felt a little better; but, stress has often caused setbacks.  I tried a colon cleanse.  I had previously tried a parasite cleanse without much change.

Then, I was reading an article in "Living Without" magazine (from 2013; but, I don't recall the issue) about a "radical" diet Australian doctors were using to help IBS sufferers (eating low FODMAP foods).  I had not been diagnosed yet; but, everything they were talking about lined up for me (onions, garlic, lactose and gluten are the BIGGEST triggers!).

So, I decided it could help me.  At first, I just had a list of foods to avoid.  I soon noticed definite improvement in the "activity" in my gut. 

Then, I got the book, "Meals that Heal Inflammation" by Julie Daniluk, that describes the process for following the low FODMAP diet.  It also describes WHY people have problems and HOW to address them.  I am "eating it up"!  So excited!

It is VERY possible that I have always been allergic to onions (in all forms, not just raw) and the constant barrage on my gut had taken a toll.  One thing I have learned is that it is hard to tell what comes first because gut inflammation can CAUSE allergies.

I am positive that the stress I have been under the last two years also played a role.  I also have a cross-bite (my teeth don't meet).  And, I sometimes eat fast and don't chew my food enough.  It is probable that also played a role.  I have also had gut problems my whole life (on and off).  Doctors never found anything "wrong".

I am now avoiding nuts and seeds (that is the hardest one yet!) and other foods (for now) on my journey to a healthy gut.  I am also chewing longer (this is hard, too).  I look forward to adding foods back to my diet, discovering new recipes and new ways to ensure my family and I are healthy for life!  I also recently found out about an easy (albeit expensive) way to correct my cross bite.  And, we are moving my dad to a facility next Monday.

All of these things, I believe, have already begun to create the "perfect storm" for healing.  Finally.

A Poem for my Father

My Dad 

Lover of roses and lilacs

Lover of the color purple

Lover of music with a happy soul (i.e., Polka)

Lover of people, friendly to (almost) all

Lover of happy movies (i.e., “Sound of Music”)

Lover of knowledge and facts

Lover of honesty

Lover of food (always a hearty appetite)

Lover of style (always a “dapper” gentleman)

Lover of foreign words and phrases (i.e., “Gezundheit!”, “Arrivederci!”, “Buenas Noches”)

Lover of family (lucky me!)

From workaholic business owner, elder and minister

To PTO president, divorced and devoted dad

I am lucky to have known you my whole life--

To have listened to your foreign salutations

And Irish lullabies

To have heard you sing like Bing Crosby

And dance like Elvis

To have rolled my eyes at your memory for names (first and last!)

And teaching of scripture (forgive me)

To have listened in awe and admiration

As you correctly guessed all the answers on “Jeopardy!”

 

To have filled with pride as you spoke

To audiences of hundreds, sometimes thousands (maybe just once)  

To have filled with love as you soothed

My aching tummy 

To have filled with anger as you fought

For the love of your life (but forgot about me/us, your children)

To have filled with regret for so many things

Then slowly opened my heart

To have filled with forgiveness for you—and myself

Over time 

To have filled with sadness

When you had a stroke and lost so many of these memories

 

To be filled with pride

As I now recount your accomplishments to others

To be filled with love (and humility)

As I care for you

 
To be filled with anger

When it is overwhelming

To be filled with regret

When I act or speak out of anger

To be filled with forgiveness

Only by the power of the Holy Spirit 

To be filled with sadness

Knowing that I have to say, “Goodbye”

 

To feel these emotions every day is a blessing--

You are a blessing to me, Dad.

 

Thank you for being my father. 

I will always love you.

Hardest of Choices

Well, the good news is that my father was discharged from hospice care two months ago.  The hardest choice I have ever had to make is deciding what is best for everyone now.  After much praying and deliberation, we have decided to move my dad to a care facility.

I spent a lot of time researching this possibility.  The care facility I liked the most because of its people (and care) was in the process of a much-needed renovation.  The renovations are complete and perfect (for dad).  The facility is very serene and pleasant and comfortable.  We hope that dad continues to thrive there when we bring him later this month.

In my mind, I know this is the best thing for my family, including my dad.  But, in my heart, I am still torn.  I love my dad and he has become a big part of my life and a bigger part of my family in the last two years (actually five, since his stroke) that he has been in our home.  So, I struggle.

My husband even suggested that we take dad to the care facility for 10 days a month and keep him home the rest of the month (to try to get the "best of both worlds").  But, that takes a lot of work to move him back and forth; and, ultimately, would be very hard on dad (because of his dementia).

So, I end in gratitude.  I am grateful that my dad will still be close to home so that we can visit him.  I am grateful that as his abilities inevitably decline, he will have all the care he needs.  I am grateful for all the memories we have created in the last two years.  I am grateful to have seen some healing (in my dad and in myself).  I am most grateful for the entirely humbling journey of caring for my dependent father.  Thank you, Dad.  I love you.  Always.