I had been reading about the process of forgiveness. I was working through some things for which I did not know I had to forgive my father. I was upset with both my parents; but, my father is the one living with me...the one in my care...the one I see every day...the one whom I have now forgiven.
There was no process. No working through it.
Some advice rattled around my head, though. I read, "Forgiveness is about you. It is not about them." I know/knew my dad is/was not capable of even recognizing the need, let alone remembering the deeds (I believe that is good...now). In case you don't remember, my dad had a stroke in 2008, which left him with very little memory of the last 30 years...and, dementia. How could I not have already forgiven him? I felt awful. Then, forgiveness fell on me.
I watched my dad have a "mini-stroke". That was awful. I was scared--not sure if it was for me or for him. I may have been thinking, "how could I let him die without forgiving him?" I was not conscious of those thoughts. I was too busy yelling out to my unresponsive father that I love him...while crying...and, yelling for my husband to call the paramedics.
My dad has been home for a little over a week. It has been hard; but, yesterday, I felt happy. It must be relief from not carrying around that baggage anymore. Thank you, God.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Why Homeschooling?
Besides following what was in my heart, the biggest reason we began homeschooling was so that we can experience life--together. There are so many moments every day I am so grateful to share with my family.
My husband works so much right now, we try to make it special when he comes home for lunch.
My boys are cultivating and nourishing the most important friendship they'll ever have--with each other.
They have time to learn about their interests, too. My oldest is taking piano lessons during the day, when he is most receptive.
It is a joy teaching my oldest how to read and helping him practice writing, exploring his creativity, nurturing his imagination. We try to speak Spanish one day/week at home--we are all learning (except my fluent husband, of course!).
We get to go on field trips. We get to explore nature, our world. We plan to travel as often as we can--especially to Mexico. Hopefully, someday to Poland, Germany and Ireland--my heritage.
I feel good about homeschooling every day. I pray that we can continue to experience life together--making mistakes, finding our way, enjoying every minute.
My husband works so much right now, we try to make it special when he comes home for lunch.
My boys are cultivating and nourishing the most important friendship they'll ever have--with each other.
They have time to learn about their interests, too. My oldest is taking piano lessons during the day, when he is most receptive.
It is a joy teaching my oldest how to read and helping him practice writing, exploring his creativity, nurturing his imagination. We try to speak Spanish one day/week at home--we are all learning (except my fluent husband, of course!).
We get to go on field trips. We get to explore nature, our world. We plan to travel as often as we can--especially to Mexico. Hopefully, someday to Poland, Germany and Ireland--my heritage.
I feel good about homeschooling every day. I pray that we can continue to experience life together--making mistakes, finding our way, enjoying every minute.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Forgiveness
I am on a journey. I have often felt it is hardest to forgive myself for mistakes, misgivings and wrongdoings. But, right now, I am struggling with forgiving a family member for things I did not even know still hurt.
During this process, I am not being very nice or respectful. And, I am in a cycle. Not stuck, exactly...but, I am finding it hard to forgive myself for how I am treating this person right now because of the things they did long ago (that I am still working to forgive and FORGET!). Forgetting is really the key. You can't truly forgive, until you forget, I have found. You can't forget until you work through and come to terms with all the feelings you have!
I am grateful to be on this journey with some support. I have my church that provides a community that explores all kinds of questions, answers and hypotheses. I have my husband. I have my friends that listen. I have my sister. I have my aunts. This support helps to keep me from getting wrapped up in my head. It's a journey.
During this process, I am not being very nice or respectful. And, I am in a cycle. Not stuck, exactly...but, I am finding it hard to forgive myself for how I am treating this person right now because of the things they did long ago (that I am still working to forgive and FORGET!). Forgetting is really the key. You can't truly forgive, until you forget, I have found. You can't forget until you work through and come to terms with all the feelings you have!
I am grateful to be on this journey with some support. I have my church that provides a community that explores all kinds of questions, answers and hypotheses. I have my husband. I have my friends that listen. I have my sister. I have my aunts. This support helps to keep me from getting wrapped up in my head. It's a journey.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Now, Two Cars, Two ipods
From November 2010 through June 2011, we were a one-car family. It did not seem hard while we were doing it; but, with my dad living with us since July, we are so grateful to have two cars again. We are most grateful to have friends that offered to sell us their used car. It has worked out well.
We had also been a one-ipod family for a few years now. But, our second CD player broke and I could not listen to any of my music without a lot of hassle. So, we now have 2 ipods, too. And, I love having my music on my own ipod!
We still have just one computer, though...and, that takes some juggling (with my husband who often uses it for work, with my kids who are becoming more computer literate, and with my household needs and desire to write). But, I don't see us getting another computer for awhile yet.
We are grateful for the things we have; but, the more things we have, the more responsibility. So, I am happy with our "assets" right now but, more so, with our life.
We had also been a one-ipod family for a few years now. But, our second CD player broke and I could not listen to any of my music without a lot of hassle. So, we now have 2 ipods, too. And, I love having my music on my own ipod!
We still have just one computer, though...and, that takes some juggling (with my husband who often uses it for work, with my kids who are becoming more computer literate, and with my household needs and desire to write). But, I don't see us getting another computer for awhile yet.
We are grateful for the things we have; but, the more things we have, the more responsibility. So, I am happy with our "assets" right now but, more so, with our life.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Imagination
Do you know who said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge"?
Albert Einstein.
I totally believe that because I see in my children that their imagination is the foundation for everything they want to learn. Einstein's quote is my inspiration for homeschooling.
My 5-year-old just went through an intense period of learning (because he wanted to learn everything he could and did so voraciously) about all the planets in the solar system. He also "discovered" the "Magic Planet" and the country, "Bigland", in his imagination. I have encouraged him to start a journal with all of his amazing stories about this planet (and, I wish I had written more of his awesome stories down in the moment!).
He is still writing about "his" planet, the "10th" one, farther than Pluto, but bigger than even Jupiter. I am nearly convinced it really exists! But, his "new" interest is the human body. He loves reading about ailments and diseases and now he is trying to figure out how everything works. The imagination is a beautiful thing.
Albert Einstein.
I totally believe that because I see in my children that their imagination is the foundation for everything they want to learn. Einstein's quote is my inspiration for homeschooling.
My 5-year-old just went through an intense period of learning (because he wanted to learn everything he could and did so voraciously) about all the planets in the solar system. He also "discovered" the "Magic Planet" and the country, "Bigland", in his imagination. I have encouraged him to start a journal with all of his amazing stories about this planet (and, I wish I had written more of his awesome stories down in the moment!).
He is still writing about "his" planet, the "10th" one, farther than Pluto, but bigger than even Jupiter. I am nearly convinced it really exists! But, his "new" interest is the human body. He loves reading about ailments and diseases and now he is trying to figure out how everything works. The imagination is a beautiful thing.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I've Got Stuff, Too!
People have often told me that they are surprised (but, grateful...er, not in a bad way at all) to hear that I have difficulties/problems in my family life. Here are some of the things my life/immediate family includes: incarcerated family member (at one time), homeless family member (at one time), drug-addicted family member, poverty, estranged family member/s, divorced parents and grandparents, depression, violence, police. And, that just scratches the surface.
People are grateful to hear these things about my life because they have stuff, too!
I am grateful to have come to a place in my life where I am not ashamed of the things that make up my life. I am more grateful to know that I am not perfect at all and I don't try to pretend to be. I am most grateful to share my "stuff" with others and to continuously heal from it all (because it never goes away...and, it is good to recognize our feelings about all of it).
People are grateful to hear these things about my life because they have stuff, too!
I am grateful to have come to a place in my life where I am not ashamed of the things that make up my life. I am more grateful to know that I am not perfect at all and I don't try to pretend to be. I am most grateful to share my "stuff" with others and to continuously heal from it all (because it never goes away...and, it is good to recognize our feelings about all of it).
I feel stronger and ever-more-so "normal" (I hate that word, but it totally applies here) to share my life and all the gory details with others...because everyone has "stuff".
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Buying Time
I was thinking about the kitchen faucet my husband is fixing for the fifth (?) time since we bought it 3 years ago. We bought it because the much older faucet was not repairable and we did not want to buy a really nice one because we still have to replace our sink (and our cabinets, wall and floor...sigh...did I mention our house was built in the 1890s and stood empty for 40ish years?). Anyway, the faucet was totally not worth it. The time fixing it could have been spent on more industrious pursuits! Had we purchased a better quality one, we would not have to spend time repairing it. OR, if we had more money, we could hire a plumber...or a professional to redo our kitchen, HELLO! Imagine!
Along the same lines, we have a very old bathroom (everything needs to be replaced, including the plumbing and the plaster...even parts of the outside walls!) and a very new bathroom (that my husband and I are near finishing after starting it when I was pregnant with our first). And, I spend a total of 10 minutes cleaning the new bathroom from top to bottom (tile, floor, bathtub, sink, toilet) every other week or so (with touch-ups in between). But, I spend 25 minutes cleaning the old bathroom every week, scrubbing the tub and it still doesn't look clean (and, there is no tile because the tub sits in front of a window...and, right now, there isn't even a sink!). Ugh.
We don't want or need luxury items--just simple, nice-looking, good quality (i.e. well-made) products that aren't made to fall apart! We look forward to spending less time cleaning and fixing things...in due time.
Along the same lines, we have a very old bathroom (everything needs to be replaced, including the plumbing and the plaster...even parts of the outside walls!) and a very new bathroom (that my husband and I are near finishing after starting it when I was pregnant with our first). And, I spend a total of 10 minutes cleaning the new bathroom from top to bottom (tile, floor, bathtub, sink, toilet) every other week or so (with touch-ups in between). But, I spend 25 minutes cleaning the old bathroom every week, scrubbing the tub and it still doesn't look clean (and, there is no tile because the tub sits in front of a window...and, right now, there isn't even a sink!). Ugh.
We don't want or need luxury items--just simple, nice-looking, good quality (i.e. well-made) products that aren't made to fall apart! We look forward to spending less time cleaning and fixing things...in due time.
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